Posted by: Erica | February 18, 2010

Be sure to buckle up.

Sometimes you just crash and no amount of “God is hope” is going to prevent it.  I actually made “God is hope” my login password last week so that I would be constantly reminded.  Maybe it was too late. 

Last night I felt much better after purging pain into words, like relief you sometimes get after vomiting.  I thought maybe I’d found the solution.  It was temporary, of course.  This morning I woke up for the seventh day in a row with Green Day songs playing in my head and the uncontrollable urge to weep.  Ansley wasn’t yet awake and Martin’s arms were a safe harbor, so I did.  He thinks maybe it’s time to try antidepressants.  He’s probably right.  The donuts and jellybeans aren’t working anymore.  But, something in me isn’t ready to turn that direction yet.  I’m afraid I’d be numb, and I don’t know if I want to be.  After the pills were gone, would I find this waiting on me? 

I am not rejecting God.  Nor am I giving in to a careless defamation of my testimony.  That’s not to say it won’t happen, I am capable of mistakes–huge mistakes.  We all are.  But, right now, I feel more like this is God’s will that I am going through this.  Of course it is.  Maybe He doesn’t put more on us than we can bear, put sometimes it is going to feel like it.  And how would you tell if you were razor blade close?  Today is the day my mother died 8 years ago.  And, honestly, waking up to that this morning added nothing to my misery.  That is surely close to bottom.

Consider Job, Jonah, Asaph, Hannah.  There is plenty of crashing in the Bible.  Plenty.  And it becomes testimony.  The important thing is to be wearing your seatbelt–Jesus.  I am.  Therefore, I know that whatever destruction befalls, it is not the end.  Not only will God use this time in my life, there is bound to be something waiting on the other side of it. 

Christian life includes crashing.  You go through the motions sometimes.  You sing your ABCs to get through your morning routine without being stalled by heavy thoughts.  You go to work and tell yourself that a doorless cubicle is no place for crying, but the tears still fall.  How much time can you spend barricaded in a bathroom stall?  The need for answers to these questions juxtaposed to “What is the meaning in life?”  It’s surreal.  And that is real.

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Responses

  1. Hey Erica – what’s going on?


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